Who Am I After She's Gone

It was last month when I had suffered from losing someone I was supposed will understand.

I am confused; I am full of confusion and doubts. Did she understand me? Did I waste my time? She very well knew the effort I had only to know myself, calm my storms in life, my child within me. Yet, here I am, disappointed in someone whom I was supposed to understand, to a person I considered my treasure who knew all my secrets and a friend I thought will be forever.

Now, I have to start all over again, alone, trying to fill up what I lacked before and after. I thank you for everything. I will not forget the good things she shared with me. I will have to accept and move on every day, facing my trials all by myself.

I always avoid having the Philosophy that “Man is alone and no one will ever understand him.” I saw a chance, the light of transforming this way of thinking, but I think it’s true. No one will ever understand another person fully or even a glimpse. It’s such a pity to hold on. Other people will say, God is there; yes, I came to look for answers and concrete actions, not for prayers, accompaniment from loneliness, and the feeling of someone’s presence in facing my darkest past. Maybe because I attached myself too much, relied on, and depended too much.

I never asked for prayers but only her presence and her listening ears. They’re all enough. I cried; maybe it will never happen again. It’s all my mistake. I realized I did not lose her; I lost myself from entering such processes. I sacrificed myself and realized I already forgot to take care of myself for putting too much attention and time into others. I already loved and cared too much about not hurting others that now I realized no one ever cared to stay. You will never lose me because, from the start, I already lost myself.

I have to mourn for the second time, not anymore for others but for myself dying without knowing myself, others, and all others. Losing a friend is the greatest pain for me, more than losing someone I love.

I focused too much on how I will relate better to others. I put a lot of effort into being good with others, but what did they return to me? Was my step not enough for them to understand me and stay? Am I too honest that I must be the one to adjust, understand and respect their decisions: their decisions of leaving me and blocking me behind without any reasons and excuses? Did I expect a lot from them and hold on too much to possibilities? I felt they just ignored me for the second time. Now, I just realized not to value people who do not make me feel loved to them. It hurts, and it’s a suicide to continue on my part. I don’t have to please nor change myself for other’s gain; if they are willing to accept me as I am, so be it. If they are ready to stay after all that I said, that will be their fault, and they cannot blame me if I do not trust them anymore. I have to accept always the consequences of my decisions. If ever I am wrong, so be it. I will stand on my own.

In the end, I always need to forgive because it’s the right thing despite the pain. Either ignore them or not; nothing will happen, they will not return, the love will not suffice. The pain will stay; maybe slowly, it will diminish at the right time when I already learn to accept that no one is good enough to be trusted fully. I am sorry.

The other side of myself will long for her forever yet will never regret it.

This is an original composition and based on my own experiences. If you want to copy something or use some parts of the note, please ask @ reyesjosephalbert@gmail.com.

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