Moving on, at the beginning or at the end?

Aug 30, 2017
9 min read

Updated: Jun 29, 2021

Accept the things that you can,

Do not let yourself suffer from forcing yourself to accept things you cannot.

Love freely and let it go,

Do not force yourself to false hope.

Loving someone who cannot love you back is like

Letting yourself drown in deep water without asking for help.

It is like a fox that keeps on licking its blood in the knife.

The end of love is friendship,

and the end of a bond is goodbye.

Moving on, at the beginning or the end?

“Easy to Say and Easy to Remember but Hardest Thing to Do”

Move On

(Phenomenology of Moving On)

Antoine Saint Exupery said, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." I told myself, "For a broken heart, the reality becomes more important; for whatever we cannot see, we sometimes cannot understand and accept." Time heals, yet the memory stays if we allow ourselves to be occupied by it.

One of the most painful experiences is loving without return but more so from moving on in the trust that you kept holding on to. Move on? Friends? Goodbye? These were some of the questions that will take time to be answered by the one who was just left by the other. Speechless, sleepless, emotionless, emptiness, boredom, and lifeless were just some of the status of a person who experienced a break-up, and even those were left behind. Love and break-ups as a universal experience take time to heal and, more so, give the same experiences to anyone.

I cannot write something about these without experiencing them myself. This note may be too personal yet is also based on others' experiences. This is a story after a story. I was not sure where to begin and where to end. I met her almost a year again. When I tried to avoid it for the second time for just one reason: I cannot face reality. I got attracted to her and kept it, suppressed it, and for a while forgot it but unexpectedly felt it again from the second moment I saw her. I was so weak on my emotions, and I cannot even control them. "What I do usually is to avoid, stopping the feeling and the pain I am anticipating if I will continue. This somehow became a pattern already to me, and I never realized I too hurt other people. Others might be thinking that they committed mistakes to me as a reason why I was avoiding them. Others had already bad impressions of me because I become nagger and mad at them. Others were angry and will also try to avoid me."

Everything changed as she approached me. I tried to tell her everything, and she understood me. The pattern was suddenly broken just because of one person. She taught me a lot about how to handle my emotions and experiences. "Sometimes, it is not the present situation that hurts us but our past that continuously influences our actions and decisions. People molded by their past usually weakens their present, and others draw strength on those experiences." It was the same feelings for me, but the strength became dominant as she challenged me to continue loving and relating despite the deep affection I had. "Are you willing to continue relating while hurting?" It was a great challenge to me, and I accepted it not because of changes but because I know that the other will truly help me pass through it, that she will understand me and trust me.

I was given time and space. Everything seemed normal and fine, yet; there was a struggle inside me. I cannot help crying at night in my bed. I cannot erase my feelings and memory that are slowly occupying my time, not realizing I already spent my time until midnight. I tried to tell others just to be comforted. Others laughed at me; others consoled me, saying it was just normal. Feelings cannot be overcome immediately. It took time for me. "Feelings can never be trusted. They might change eventually nor stay forever unless they are true."

During those times, I made a lot of effort to focus on other things like playing basketball, table tennis, and instruments. I went to shopping malls and ate in different restaurants. I went to the extreme of playing sports, even to the point of having accidents. One night, I told her I still feel the same. I have waited for her reply yet to no avail. Early in the morning, I was supposed to send a message to her; unfortunately, she already blocked my Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram. It was a mixture of feelings, a feeling of disappointments, and expectations.

I was shocked, shocked by all that happened with just one message; everything seemed to return to nothing; all the memories of happiness just turned into sadness, all the laughter just turned into tears. I was shocked; now I was blocked, unfollowed. I was shocked that it was just that easy to let go of the words I thought were promises that will not be broken. I trusted a lot, a trust that was equivalent to my life. I never expected such a person to do it because of too much holding on. I cannot move and speak, seeing what had happened. I stayed in the bathroom and opened the shower hitting my bowed head, joining my tears with the waters that flow, sobbing and moaning without any more words to say, without other's knowledge.

One month is already too long to love a person but not enough to know the person. All I thought three weeks were enough to convert that love into friendship. I just realized then that it would be impossible to happen if there is communication from one another. I, too, accepted everything from the start that we will be friends. Being friends is the safest way to keep her and be in touched without real commitment. I knew how painful it would be, suppressing and undermining the love you have to stay on the track you started. It was so smooth at the start; the excitement lessened as expectations slowly lowered down. Later, I continued and pretended as if nothing happened. I continued to smile and laughed at the highest point, trying to spend the time happy to cover up the sadness inside. I play many sports during those times, yet glimpses of her images will appear in my mind uncontrollably, and I become stronger in playing.

There is always a bitter part from moving on, as when one tries to do everything, even at the point of death. What if I got an accident? Will she come back or visit me on my death bed? I was on the stage of reminiscing the past, trying to get up after falling. I felt I was on the edge of the building, waiting for someone to stop me from losing my life, waiting for someone to catch my hand before I let go of everything. At the moment when no one is around, alone in the room, there came a time all the experiences are repeating themselves, replaying in my mind all the things I've done, all the things I should not have done, and all the possible things if she just stayed. After all the times I cried alone in my bed, I will get up in the morning with a smile, trying to be at ease, telling myself, "I'm already okay and happy." I will spend my day as usual, yet after all, everything will return when I enter my room. I felt so alone in the dark. I could hear the whisper of the wind outside, the ticking of the clock, the slow drops of water from the faucet, the touch of the air moving in my skins. I realized I become too observant of things I never put a value on before. They are all part of the memory. I wanted to erase everything, her phone number, her pictures, her voices playing in my mind, her eyes as I closed my eyes, and the beating of my heart that beats for her.

Deep inside, two feelings were fighting against each other. The first is telling me to stop, forget everything and start a new one, while the other one is full of hope wanting to clarify all the things that bother me. Few months, I learned to stand alone again, not depending on anyone about my own decisions and plans. I said I am ready for anything to happen. I do not need anyone's advice and comments. I remained silent, disappointed by some people I was supposed to understand and listen to me carefully. "Why not just respect her decisions?" What decisions? This was my reply to myself, which blocked me after all her promises after she said to trust her and mark on her terms that she is just a message away? Should I respect someone who just left me behind after giving me false hopes? Did it ever come to her mind to recognize my feelings and struggles? Did she also feel my opinions, the pain of leaving someone without any apparent reasons and explanations?

Afterward, there was also a time to accept everything and release all the pain.

I remained silent, carefully choosing the people I could count on. I stayed quiet for my heart, who spoke a lot to those few loyal ears that listen. I put everything in writing. I mostly spent my time writing poems and reflections to ease the pain. Later, I realized I do not need to force myself to someone who cannot accept me. I do not need to play so hard even to the point of getting injured, for it will not heal the injury inside. I do not need to drink a lot to forget; it will not happen. I do not need to cry a lot every night; it will only hurt my eyes. I need to accept everything that some people cannot love me back and cannot even be my friend. Some people come into your life only for a short while. They will introduce themselves and their vanities and will not stay long; they will say hello and leave you behind. Be careful not to be so attached, for the pain will be too hard to bear afterward. Some people come to know you but cannot accept reality and suddenly will also leave you. There were people whom you thought you were already forgotten and moved by them; it was us who forgot and left them. Some people love you from the start until the end of your life; I learned to cherish them. They are the only treasures I will have in the afterlife.

But then, maybe it will still be difficult for me to smile, look, and talk to her again the moment we meet each other. I will not promise anything. Emotions and feelings can never be trusted, basing it on human capacities. "Never make promises when you are happy; never make decisions when you are angry." These are the words that I always remember every time I was hurt. "I already move on" does not mean I already recovered from everything. It does not mean I already lost my love immediately. I am just used to it. I am only used to love unanswered. I am just used to the pain it caused me after how many days I spent alone... it is difficult, but I acknowledged them. I truly believed in love at first sight, but I never thought it would end. That is why it was called "at first sight" because, for the second time, you will not feel the same anymore; either you cherish the first time you had or forget that feeling to open another way of relationship. Words have no meaning unless we experience them. It will always depend on us how to put meaning on words we hear and think.

Love becomes alive the moment we feel it; it becomes active and powerful. The moment we get hurt is the moment it will dry up and die slowly. I learned to accept whatever happens, for in the end, I can never blame anyone for what happens to me afterward. I chose to stay; I decided to move away.

In the end, what remains are regrets, confusion, and doubts. It will just be up to us if we will stay the same. Love and pain are always together. It is painful to love, yet others are keeping on, holding on because it will never be the same again as love once felt. I am fascinated by humans because there is always a chance for us to renew and rebuild ourselves after being broken. "Moving on does not mean to say you don't care anymore."

I will not hope that I may not regret it. I already lost her before.

I already accepted what happened and if she does not come back. It will be best for me.

I could accept that there were some things I cannot clarify anymore.

I will bring them all to God; besides, they are all from the past.

I have to constantly move on, forget her, and focus on what is present and stay with those willing to stay with me despite my failures and weaknesses. In the end, we all need to let go again and again.